Have you ever felt like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon, stepping into a world where you're seen in a whole new light? That's exactly where Tammie's journey took her after bariatric surgery, and in our latest episode, she opens up about the intricate dance of self-confidence and societal perceptions. Dr. Maria Iliakova and Tammie Lakose peel back the layers of what it means to transform not just physically, but emotionally, as Tammie navigates the bittersweet symphony of changed relationships and self-esteem post-weight loss.
Tammie discusses on the virtues of humility in healthcare, where admitting she doesn't have all the answers can actually be her greatest strength. Sharing stories of vulnerability, they explore how such honesty not only benefits our patients but also fosters a culture of growth and support among medical professionals. It's a raw look at the struggles behind the stethoscope and the importance of emotional intelligence in patient care.
Wrapping up, the episode takes a deep and personal turn, reflecting on the ways in which Tammie's relationships and mental health are intertwined with her journey towards self-improvement. Emotional maturity doesn't come easily, and often it's the closest relationships that challenge and shape us the most. As Maria and Tammie bid farewell, remember that your reflections and feedback are invaluable to us. Join them on this continuous path of discovery, growth, and self-care.
Have you ever felt like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon, stepping into a world where you're seen in a whole new light? That's exactly where Tammie's journey took her after bariatric surgery, and in our latest episode, she opens up about the intricate dance of self-confidence and societal perceptions. Dr. Maria Iliakova and Tammie Lakose peel back the layers of what it means to transform not just physically, but emotionally, as Tammie navigates the bittersweet symphony of changed relationships and self-esteem post-weight loss.
Tammie discusses on the virtues of humility in healthcare, where admitting she doesn't have all the answers can actually be her greatest strength. Sharing stories of vulnerability, they explore how such honesty not only benefits our patients but also fosters a culture of growth and support among medical professionals. It's a raw look at the struggles behind the stethoscope and the importance of emotional intelligence in patient care.
Wrapping up, the episode takes a deep and personal turn, reflecting on the ways in which Tammie's relationships and mental health are intertwined with her journey towards self-improvement. Emotional maturity doesn't come easily, and often it's the closest relationships that challenge and shape us the most. As Maria and Tammie bid farewell, remember that your reflections and feedback are invaluable to us. Join them on this continuous path of discovery, growth, and self-care.
Welcome to Core Bariatrics Podcast hosted by Bariatric Surgeon Dr Maria Iliakova and Tammy Lacoste, bariatric Coordinator and a patient herself. Our goal is building and elevating our community. The Core Bariatric Podcast does not offer medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. On this podcast, we aim to share stories, support and insight into the world beyond the clinic.
Speaker 2:Let's get into it, tammy. So we're in beautiful Orlando right now at a conference, and a couple of nights ago we were at a restaurant bar. There was a lady that was called out who was a publisher. I just got a wild hair and I dared you to tap her on the shoulder and strike up a conversation with her, and then the cops were called because I punched her in the face.
Speaker 1:Well, close. So how'd that go? I did it only because you said, if you do this you would not have to go salsa dancing. But I only got out of it for one night, yeah. So how goes? Yes, I did. I was scared beyond, like I was probably shaking my heart really.
Speaker 2:Really oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, because I've never like talked to someone really professional and said, like this is what we're doing. This is especially like the book that we're working on is yeah, we've just kind of like thrown stuff at it, it's good, but like we hadn't had yet discussed like exactly what whatever. Right, right. So I just pulled her situation and she said oh yeah, our company is always looking for stories. And I'm like that makes sense, because you know people want stories. They do, yeah, so anyway. So I asked her if I could have her contact information and she gave it to me and she ended up apparently being a publisher at Penguin Random House Publishing. I had to Google that just because I didn't know, but you knew exactly who, well yeah.
Speaker 2:So we're going to reach out there, but so Tammy, but do you think that that's something that you would have necessarily done a year and a half ago? What do you think?
Speaker 1:Absolutely not. Absolutely not, because you even saw my hesitation salsa dancing. Yeah, not so much, honestly. Not so much because I didn't have like the self confidence per se, but I would. I'm still absorbing this whole culture shock because I am not in Iowa?
Speaker 2:No, you're not in Iowa. But then, tammy, you took me line dancing and I had no idea white boys could dance like that.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's start from the beginning where you absolutely hated it. The second you walked in.
Speaker 2:Oh no, not even no, no, no, no, you're faking.
Speaker 1:No, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no. Your face cannot lie.
Speaker 2:Well, you dragged me from salsa dancing.
Speaker 1:Yes, Well, you took me out of my comfort zone, best journey you took me online and I liked it.
Speaker 2:I liked it too. All right, yes, there we go, so we can do some good things.
Speaker 1:Yes, so we're going to talk about positive and negative changes within, like self esteem, and touch a little bit in relationships and stuff. All right, so positive or negative, go Positive or negative. So I want to know first what's been one of the most positive changes that you've had that you didn't expect since having bariatric surgery, being willing to spark up a conversation and not even think about it and just go with it, even at the line dancing bar and whatnot. Just, yeah, I sparked up conversations with people I wouldn't spark up conversations with because I didn't want to be recognized or I didn't even want to be noticed, I didn't want. No, no, no, no, no. Why was that? Because I was big, I had a lot of self esteem. I did not have any self esteem. I've told you this before and you really were like wow, what the heck that when I and this is a thing for people when I walked into a room in a new place or whatever, I scanned the room to see if I was the biggest person in the room, that is so, but it was true, just because I don't know. I guess I don't even know why. I don't even know why. I guess maybe it gave me a little. You could find it if you could crush people. Yeah, no, no no. Sorry, and then I just, and then I just hide Like yeah, that's wild.
Speaker 2:That's wild. That's wild because I know you now and you are Holy skin before, sir, like you said, Well, yeah, I did. Did you know before surgery? But you were always so and it's that curiosity inside of you. You were curious about yourself, you're curious about other people, and so I never perceived you as having any trouble speaking your mind or talking with other people or engaging in something, so it's wild to me to think of you as someone who had confidence trouble with your self confidence. Yes, I did, yeah, yeah. And why do you think it's different now? Why do you think you can walk into a room and just spark up a conversation with someone?
Speaker 1:Because I'm looked at as normal. I'm treated different. I'm 100% treated differently, even between, like my child's baseball moms. I am approached way more now. Why is that? Was I any less? Was I scary?
Speaker 2:Was I. That's why this scares me a little and this is why it makes me sad sometimes too, because I feel that this is not fair. Ultimately, we I wish our society were more progressive than this. I wish people were a little bit more open-minded than this. Because you didn't change as a person between a year going now, or a year and a half ago and now. No, fundamentally, you core values as a person, didn't change.
Speaker 1:No, but now I'm just more willing to share those core values, and words are hard to challenge other people's morals and values.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you did say like I look more normal now and I'm like actually like statistically speaking, normal in the US is size over 14, as far as I understand, for women average, and for men I actually don't know men's sizes at all, I realize right now but normal, even like what our perception of normal is. So not real, not true. And what is and what is normal is a range, no matter what, right, right, but you're not wrong at all in the sense. People definitely treat each other really differently, depending on what their weight is.
Speaker 1:But then I also think, like am I now, which I know I am, but is it more now because I am more, like, confident in talking and like, so maybe I'm more personable now or before I just maybe I gave off that vibe of I don't want to talk.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm shy, Like well. That brings up kind of this interesting idea which I know sometimes if I'm going through something like you know, a bad breakup or I injured myself or something like that, like I'm much more closed off to people than I would be if I were in a great mood and everything was going great and all that stuff. So it's sort of this whole you're not. You're not an island and we don't live in a vacuum where nothing else affects us.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So maybe actually you did change in a way in the past year, year and a half a lot not that your core values did, but maybe, like you said, like your ability to express my outside.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But so I'm absolutely willing to put myself out there and challenge people's like not challenge, but I mean like have a have a debate, conversation and being willing to stick up for my thoughts and feelings and whatnot and just how like at my new job. I mean it's it's not really new, because it was my first job out of college, first of Torrey College, and so most of the people that are there are still still were there previously. But I was not afraid of even being out of the like inpatient respiratory therapy atmosphere. Sure, I jumped right in, was not afraid to push people out of my way to treat a patient if we're in a trauma situation. Also, like when I went down to the ER, which I don't know if you've ever know you have been in the ER. I don't know, those people are rough. Yeah, sometimes they're not very like. The ER is their own commuted. Oh, yes, and if you come into, that is a closed commuted community down there sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it was so funny that I walked into their little like nurses station with all the doctors and stuff.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I'm like Hi, I'm Tammy, I'm the new respiratory therapist, just wanted to let you know. Yeah, nobody was introducing me is so weird.
Speaker 2:Anyways, because I think people just assumed everybody knew me because I was there.
Speaker 1:But anyways, ready for this, tell me during my orientation yeah, our CEO is very, very, very involved. He is rarely just sitting behind his computer. You see him everywhere, and during our orientation I was front and center, which another thing. I'm more willing to sit closer, I noticed that even so.
Speaker 2:yeah, at this conference that right now, you always want to sit in the front, and I am one of those really annoying people that love sitting in the front too, because I'm just soup. I'm so sorry. I own it though.
Speaker 1:This is who I am. No, I love and I love talking to people like that too, so I it's so funny to me to see somebody else like that, such a kind of spirit Because, again, I did not want to be recognized, by the way, because if you're in the front row there's a chance that your speaker or presenter is going to call on you or like recognize that you're agreeing or disagreeing and like talk to you, right, but anyways. So the CEO was giving just his talk about where, how they've grown and where they're going.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I just I'm like so how open are you about new things? And he's like tell me more. And I said, what about a bariatric program? And he's like, well, yes, he's like I'm trying to surgeon, for I'm like I got one. And he really looked at me like wait, what?
Speaker 2:Timmy, I feel like you're my pimp and I'm just like no, I'm sharing you with the world literally.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, you are a unique surgeon and I think you know that. And but anyways, and he's just like let's touch base later. But I would have never done that. Not a great, I don't know how does that feel? I mean it feels good, and I don't go afterwards and be like what was I thinking? Because there was times where I had all the confidence in the world, when, back then, when I'd have a few drinks in me but I would always go back and overanalyze it. And now I'm just like nope, that was, that was what it was.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, it sounds like there's some really strong positive things, because being able to speak openly at work or being able to speak openly in new situations, it's just it's. It gives you that kind of like adaptability, almost to never be afraid of a situation, even if it's new or uncomfortable you always have yourself to rely on in a different way and I almost feel like, especially in career now, because I just I started over and you know how that goes.
Speaker 1:I just started over where I feel like I built myself up Like everybody knew me at my old job and so I mean, people know me here but don't know like how well I am whatever, my capabilities honestly you started the bottom of the totem pole, Honestly probably still think I'm just a respiratory therapist, but there's so much more to me. So I think that's another reason why I put myself out there is because I want people to know there's more to me. Yeah, yeah, you're proud of the things you are. How are you going to climb the totem pole if nobody knows who you are?
Speaker 2:And you're not willing to raise your hands, to be involved, volunteer yourself, make yourself vulnerable, yeah.
Speaker 1:But then I guess there are some times now you know, I'm approaching doctors, like I'm approaching doctors and surgeons for you and stuff, but yeah, yeah, that's great yeah it's crazy.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, that's great. And you realize, everyone's a human being, oh yeah, and some will love you, some will hate you Well, but actually I wonder I don't know if you've thought about this, but what impact do you think this has on how you take care of patients?
Speaker 1:I'm more willing to stick up for my patients for one, I think and I'm also way more willing to openly say to a patient that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm going to find the answer for you. I think that is a super strong, positive thing a person can do. Oh my gosh. Yeah, like my first week back, we had a trach patient, so that's a long term breathing airway in the neck, if people don't know. But I've not dealt with the trach in so long and even then they were still very, very they're still kind of rare, but they are scary because that's how they breathe and right it's a hole and anyways. So, and she was an older lady and I don't know. But I honestly told her. I said I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to do anything that is going to compromise anything. I'm going to help you in any way possible, but that's why I'm going to have this person in with me, because she is way more competent with tricks and I'm going to learn from her. And if anything does not feel right, if you are uncomfortable, just let me know. Like so.
Speaker 2:But what a mature way to handle that instead of pretending like you know what you're doing and are flawless right out the gate and things like that, you actually are saying, hey, I don't know this exactly. Perfectly well, I can do better. And I'm willing to ask for help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, another person gets to feel good mentoring you and teaching you, but I think when you are very, very insecure and have low self-esteem, you don't want to give anybody more of a reason to think less of you.
Speaker 2:Like more ammo? Basically, yeah, because you think that they already think poorly and so you don't want to give them more. Oh, wow, yeah, but I understand it completely Well. So, like from my experience in this as a resident, for instance so when I was in residency already a doctor, but baby doctor, learning how to do surgery, learning how to do things you're constantly being challenged with new things, with complexity. Things are, you know, every day just a million things thrown at you and you really, really, really want to prove to people that you know what you're doing that you're competent, that you're capable, but most of the time, it's the first time that you're doing something, or it's the first time when this specific situation, and so you really, really have to have that humility and maturity to say I don't know how to do this, but I'd like to learn. Will you show me, will you help me? And it's safer. And especially when it comes to patients, of course, and it's not only safer, but it actually makes you better, because, right, like if you do, more confidence. Exactly because, like if you had just not taken the time to ask somebody else to help you, you still wouldn't know how to take care of a trait as well as you could. Yeah, but you did so. Now you can take care of a trait and the next patient. You're actually going to be able to do that without necessarily needing somebody there. Oh right, Absolutely. How cool is that? Absolutely, that's a huge progression as a person.
Speaker 1:I think Absolutely, but there is some degr. What's the other word? Regression?
Speaker 2:Regression. Tell me about the. What do you?
Speaker 1:mean by regression. So, even though I am more self, have more self-esteem, maybe more self-confidence, like if it's hot outside I'm wearing shorts, I don't care if you see my loose skin from me losing so much weight, it's on my mind but I'm more confident in that aspect. But also, on the contrary, I am more self-conscious about being naked, which has made and you heard my husband say I was just on a call with him and I wanted you to hear it that it has made our intimacy harder.
Speaker 2:Which sucks. Yeah Well, can I interject here? Yeah, because we know each other pretty well now. Oh yeah, you had shared that you took some like Boudoir photos, which I personally go sexuality. I love people's sexual health. I think everybody should do it, because it was so Everybody should do one of those, yes, and what that is is like you basically take sexy photos with a professional photographer and things like that, and it's not necessarily nude or anything like that. It can be it doesn't have to be but it's made potentially like to share with your spouse or just for your own, just empowering too. Yeah, like empowering all these things. But for whatever reason, you do it, and you had mentioned how sexy and confident she made you feel and those photos made you feel, yeah. And I remember asking you if you would do that now to celebrate the changes your body's history gone, and you had kind of mixed you know a mixed response about that and that ridiculous. Well, no, tell me, what was that all about? I don't think that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:You can't hide loose skin. I mean you can edit out stretch marks, but at least it's full skin. But even standing in front of her, even though she is very, I love her to death, Photographer Anyways, she makes everybody feel so comfortable and beautiful and whatnot. And in Marie photography, yes, it is in Brooklyn.
Speaker 2:Iowa, there you go, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:I love her so much. Yes, can find her on Facebook. She does not sponsor this episode? No, no, we really appreciate her yeah because she did our, she did our photos, our photo, yep, that's right, and she made you. You've never done a photo shoot, I know, but anyways. So, sitting, I feel like just sitting in front of her, I honestly I don't know. I would be uncomfortable, I don't know. Because, okay, some of those sexy poses that she had me do, like being on your hands and knees and your, you know whatever, upside down the backwards, they're saggy skin.
Speaker 2:And saggy boobs. Can you tell me more about the saggy like? Why is that a big deal? I don't know. I don't either. I don't know, I don't know. Do you feel like? Are you judging yourself? Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:No, I'd that's. What's even worse is that like I am all of, like you are beautiful, like there's nothing wrong with you, and then I'm over here like I am better than I was about negative self talk, but it's still definitely there.
Speaker 2:I will say, like I dealt with what is called in the language, body dysmorphia, which is sort of your body looks a certain way and other people may perceive it a certain way, but you personally don't see it that way. You see it differently. You see it as being ugly or not good enough or less than, and you don't see what the rest of the world sees. And I think a lot of people really, really struggle with that from the body changes that happen? Absolutely, yep. Do you think that it's easy to have your mind catch up to what your body's doing? Is it?
Speaker 1:easy yeah no.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like no, my no, my mind is 100%. Still, I still go to plus size sections.
Speaker 2:Oh boy.
Speaker 1:I like comfy clothes now, but no, literally like I'm like, okay, let's need an extra large, let's go to the dressing room and I'm like, oh, no I don't need an extra large. Like um, yeah, my mind's not there at all.
Speaker 2:You did say you, there's like a store you can't even go to anymore Torrid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for the most part I cannot, because, yeah, it is much, it's bigger stuff and I was like that was my store to go to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Because you were asking me like, what store do you go to? And I realized I don't go to stores, I do everything online, which is terrible, well, terrible. I don't know, whatever yeah it is what it is, I suppose yeah, but yeah it's so. I don't even think people necessarily think that they're going to have changes where things you don't think about, little things, will restructure as you go, you need to prepare to, even though you hate yourself, obese, obese, potentially looking yourself in the mirror.
Speaker 1:you might hate looking at yourself in the mirror, just for a different reason.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because of the changes being. Do you think it is hatred that you feel hatred? Oh, no, no, no, you said hate how your body feels or how your body looks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you did say hate, Okay fine.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is a strong word.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't hate my body. My body is now doing things the way it's supposed to do things internally it is. But also I can walk more and you maybe walk so much.
Speaker 2:I think your feet are just one pure blister at this point, yeah let's talk about shoes, I know, oh yeah actually. Yes, we should have an episode on shoes, but I love shoes.
Speaker 1:So, but so I don't hate my body because it's it's working better now. I loved it enough to make a shocking change to it, and it's working better I breathe, better I move better Sure.
Speaker 2:But self confidence isn't just about those like rational brain is still 100% messed up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this is something. Yeah, this is one of my big drivers for me approaching you or us talking about this on a podcast is that I can't find this on YouTube. How do I right on my brain?
Speaker 2:I wish I had an answer to right. Honestly, I will say I don't think there's anything we're gonna ask Lydia or my health provider how do I on my brain. I think there's a process going on here. I don't think there's a fast forward. Yeah, I also don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with a lot of this at all, or any of this necessarily, because people's bodies change over time, whether it's aging, or whether it's pregnancy or whether it's a medical condition, or whether it's surgery, or whether it's this and or whether it's even like working out. So, like I, for instance, I like working out and there's certain you know kinds of activity that I do and I get muscle. Some places that I'm really I love it, and there's other places that I'm like, oh, I don't love.
Speaker 1:Though, that how that looks. Necessarily look like a man. Yeah, because, like you know, I have, like you don't like well, thank you, that's very kind. Okay, that's why a lot of women do not wait trains because they're right to look like a man Correct. And like right.
Speaker 2:And I have like definition in some places that's like oh I, you get the judgment. Sometimes too, by the way, because people still think that sometimes that like muscle should not belong in a woman which clearly I don't believe that but you're right.
Speaker 1:Like probably stigma, they're saying that women shouldn't be surgeons either. I would know, yes, that's a whole another weird.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's too bad. Too bad, so sad, but the idea of being like I don't think there's anything wrong, like there's nothing wrong with feeling the way that you feel about your body and it not being perfect.
Speaker 1:As long as you're feeling those feelings.
Speaker 2:So and being honest with it and and addressing it. Are there other things that are challenging about your self esteem or self confidence that you've gone through in this process?
Speaker 1:Well, my self confidence, even though it's a positive for me, sure comes off as a negative to other people. I actually very openly and I apologize to my sister in law, who was used to be my bestest friend, and we've gotten closer obviously since I've had bariatric surgery. We have so many kids so that's hard but when she had bariatric surgery, which I supported her so much because I took her to her, I think there was a one week follow up. Yeah, I thought she was crazy that she was literally eating from like this one ounce cup whatever. But no, I supported her 100%. But then she started losing her weight and she started getting more confident, started getting more positive and she would post things on Facebook and she still does good for her and I do too now Saying like if you stickers, by the way, if you prediction, if you can't love me for me or whatever, I don't need you in my life, right, I thought that was toxic positivity and I openly said that to people. So, yes, I was mean girl in her. But recently I opened up to her and I said you know what? I said this about you, but now I understand now you feel it Now. I understand because because I'm also dealing with it yes, dealing with people thinking that my positivity is like fake or toxic and it's just like no, I just feel so stupid.
Speaker 2:Good, I can cry about how I feel, so yeah, yeah, I think that's pretty insightful actually because, like you're basically saying, I realized that some of my I was judging people for their, for their expression of happiness, their expression of self, because I didn't understand it and I didn't know how to feel that or didn't feel that at the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's pretty that's pretty deep, so I tend to her um, she came off as, and I came off never, probably now come off as as, yeah, toxic positivity, or so it's like self centered. Yes, I am self centered because I prioritize myself, you know.
Speaker 2:But the thing is, I think we have a culture that's very weird on this Self centered weird this ego thing and all this because we're not allowed to like talk about ourselves or be proud of ourselves, but yet we're supposed to have enough self confidence to like to take care of issues and bootstrap ourselves out of everything and be responsible people. You can't really have it both ways like. You do have to have some level of self confidence to be a responsible person. Right for yourself and your family and your friends and what you do for work and all those things right. So you have to have. You have to have some self confidence and it's super healthy to have self confidence and that's sometimes, yeah, threatening to people totally. And it's often threatening if you don't feel self-confident, because, again, like I'll just go back to Like you know, in a personal state where I don't, if I don't feel good, I kind of it's not healthy at all. But all of us, I think, naturally we kind of see other people being happy and you're like, oh, I want to be happy. Why are they so happy?
Speaker 1:and also like what's crazy is like I I sometimes am just like I feel like I haven't changed a whole lot, sometimes like, as you said, like memorials are still there. I feel like my Whatever is. And then people have said you've changed so much, and then I ask how? And they just don't even know. Really. They give a roundabout answer Like, oh, I don't think they even understand and I think it really just is geared around like I'm going to prioritize myself, right, I'm gonna be selfish right, I'm be selfish, right, and being selfish in a way that that helps you is sort of like when the mask comes down in the airplane.
Speaker 2:And you're told you have to put the mask on yourself first before you put it on your kids or your neighbor or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and you do and it's so hard.
Speaker 2:I know it's hard to wrap your head around, yeah, and I imagine as a parent it's hard to do that. I think as an adult it's hard to do that, as a woman it's hard to do that, and I feel this, I don't know like I really really shared that feeling a lot with you to me, and so I'm glad because, like I'm going through a little bit of a rough time right now myself, and you've been a huge source of support and friendship for me right now and I really appreciate it because it would make me so much more insecure and so much just Vulnerable to my emotions In a way that, yeah, in a way that thankfully I, you know I have support like you and friends and things. So thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, I suggest everybody um go. If you're having a bad day, go on to chat gpt, oh yeah right, we found this today. This is great. Write me a bio. You put your name, what you do. Yes, hobbies are what. Any accomplishments, anything that thing will hype you. It is hype, hype. It is your hype man, it is nuts Uh.
Speaker 2:I okay sidetrack.
Speaker 1:Sorry, it is a good hype man, it is, that's true, um. But so, even though, um, some of my insecurities have gone away, my husband's insecurities have gotten higher. Okay, so people are, my self-confidence yeah. Oh yeah, um. So, and sometimes that can cause some fights, like luckily he's like now I don't bash myself as much anymore, like I sure don't have anything to wear. I look ugly in this, I'm too fat for this, these jeans don't look good I, and then I just stay home. But and I've even said this to a patient's husband yeah, I read the room, I, I knew the people I worked I was talking to. Our patients are our family and I, because I wanted the husband to know this Um, he was very, very small. He is a marathon runner, apparently. I always had pictures of my husband and my kids behind my dad and I said, okay, so you see, you see my husband over there. He's pretty good looking man, like um he's. He's very attractive. He looks like he'd be a very, very secure man. Yeah, but he's not. And so I said just be prepared, he's human.
Speaker 2:It's not that he's not secure, it's that he's human and you're changing. Well, yeah.
Speaker 1:No, but yeah, yeah, he's got some.
Speaker 2:He's got some work to do. Everyone, everyone, everyone's got this like. And guys, we do not talk about the fact that guys have as much insecurity, as absolutely no and it is not like it is super Okay and it is super Normal. And I again one of the things I wish we would talk about more Guys have feelings too.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, absolutely. And so I told that husband that you need to mentally prepare yourself for your wife who is going to have bariatric surgery. Whom is not everybody's cup of tea, like physically attraction not that she shouldn't be, but everybody has their cup of tea. It might be more people's cup of tea after she loses her weight, like I've been approached more in a bar now in the past year than I have my whole life. I don't know. But again, maybe I'm more approachable. But, um, that makes my husband really, really insecure that I'm going to find someone else.
Speaker 2:And you've expressed how much you love this person, how much you are dedicated as a person, no matter what, and all those things. And it's it's funny because you're right, like this person didn't change, but because you changed right, it kind of un Covers some things for some of the people around you, whether it's friends or family or others. It's it's so interesting because they didn't change but they're going through the change with you Exactly.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, absolutely, and we're we're trying to convince my husband to be on the show here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, and obviously we, we this isn't helping, I'm sure, but no, no boy will get in one day.
Speaker 1:No, he, he. So we were taught. We asked him I needed Maria's to hear out of his mouth that it was okay for me to talk about our Um, struggling sex life. And he's like, yeah, it's true, like wow, you're that.
Speaker 2:You guys are so crazy. I think in a positive way, because, again, tavis object. People do not want to talk about that.
Speaker 1:Even in therapy sessions.
Speaker 2:People don't want to talk about that because it is so personal and so rough sometimes. I cannot believe you guys have the balls to do that. I'm so like, I'm so thankful because, again, I think when we talk about those things, we normalize what other people want to talk about and we normalize what other people are experiencing. What we're experiencing is what other people experience to yeah, a lot of people and I, yeah, I mean like I think through this experience I have gotten to share things I normally wouldn't wouldn't have.
Speaker 1:I'm right of you too.
Speaker 2:Well, thanks, and I think you definitely have, and I think it takes a lot of guts to do that.
Speaker 1:Well, I just want to give Other patients the content that I did not have. I wanted to know yeah, I wanted to hear about people having mental health issues because I had huge risk factors right, I have Witness some, you know mental health issues after bariatric surgery that I wanted to Try to prevent, and so there was nothing out there. Luckily, our mental health provider is so very she is.
Speaker 2:Oh, I can't wait. Watching multiple of ours are great.
Speaker 1:We've got some really great people and so another like negative is that, obviously, bariatric surgery is an emotional roller coaster journey and I feel, like Myself and my husband Previously, very, very emotionally immature Okay, no emotional intelligence, because we were raised in households that kids are seen and not hurt. Okay you know you can't have big feelings at all.
Speaker 2:No space for that right. We're in a Russian background.
Speaker 1:So and so now, with my journey and you know, just becoming so much more educated and how to Help myself and whatnot, I feel like my emotional intelligence and emotional maturity Awareness sure is so much there. Sure, meanwhile, my husband is still, he was. We always joke, even his mom jokes that, like the whole, all the men were raised by werewolves.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love it, you know well, sometimes I feel like I was raised by werewolf.
Speaker 1:No no.
Speaker 2:Condolences to my mom. Actually, no, that sounded really not, not how I wanted to sound. It's just that. You know, I think we all we act out of a lot of defensiveness sometimes myself personally very much calling myself out on that. It takes it's really tough to be self-aware, but I think, tim, like one of the things that I was so impressed by and I did you are right, I saw this change in you over the past year and a half was that you did become more self-aware and Out of that awareness, you were able to help other people and more because you were able to create Structure in our program and experience. Yeah, that was safe for other people, it was honest. That was a witness to people's difficulties and and the positive, and because people need to be witnessed for both right the positive absolutely.
Speaker 1:But kind of rounding about with, like me, becoming more emotional, immature and more self-aware and so I have better self-regulation. So, like, the patience I have with my kids is just so much more because I have learned that, like kids are still learning how to Express their emotions yes, I just learned how to. I still explode sometimes but, yes, I cannot expect my kid, who is having a heart big, big feeling, to not scream on the top of his lungs and no other person should. Right, if sometimes I can't even handle that right. And so my, my husband very, and he he will openly say this that he is something his patients level is is lessened. He does, he actually does very, very well and if he does something he is self-aware that he did not like that and he has. I'm very proud of him that there was a time With our son that our male son is a spitfire. Everybody loves him but boy is he. He's the one that teach me that all kids cannot be parented the same and I can never judge a parent for a screaming child.
Speaker 2:So you have one.
Speaker 1:I'm saving grace, but um there was a time when he was having very big emotions. He is very defiant. He is very he is not afraid of you at all, ever, and so my husband overreacted a little bit and that in the and then about. I saw it on his face, the second that he just went a little overboard. He felt horrible for it. I'm proud of him for that. But yeah, he's still working. Yeah, so I'm still a little ahead, and so sometimes it's we. There's a clash, sometimes at that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so um, and I communicate better and I want more feelings. Blue card blue colored men have no like. They show no emotion because they're stigmatized Absolutely but guess what? I want your emotions, because I want to know what's wrong, right, I want to help you you know what's cool is in our program.
Speaker 2:A lot of times Spouses would come together so we would have somebody who was doing surgery and then their spouse would come, and they're always welcome. I think that's super great.
Speaker 1:I have been in the hospital.
Speaker 2:That's fair. You should think it out of the most where you don't want to be in one.
Speaker 1:I get it, we've got.
Speaker 2:Believe me, I love my jam, but it is not most people's jam, but the idea being like, when people are going to go in, going to go on this journey together, it can be really helpful for everyone to know what's expected, what's not expected, what's involved, how to get help, how to help each other. I remember, actually, one of our patients brought her husband into one of her last visits and the husband was super skeptical about this bariatric surgery thing and he was like I don't know, and all of this, and I've heard the divorce rates are higher and all this.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I said you're not wrong, you know, and I asked you know and I even mentioned I. I said I'm so proud that you're here, because the fact that you're asking these questions they're worried about it that you're here with her, that you're showing up. That says more than anything else possibly could about the fact that you love each other Absolutely, but you're here for each other, that you want to understand what you're both getting into mm-hmm, and that it is Ultimately up to you to decide how to grow together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, through this new experience, but that man was showing some emotional intelligence of like.
Speaker 2:This is how I feel and I'm telling you how I feel. Yes, where my husband.
Speaker 1:I could and he will agree with this, I can. I can say we're doing whatever we're doing, and he's like right?
Speaker 2:well, you know everyone. Yeah everyone's on a different journey, absolutely one, a different journey, but it's tough and I think the self-confidence changes that, that the patients have through this, that people have going through this. You do have to remember that other people are going on this journey with you, mm-hmm, and sometimes they're not gonna be on the same step that you are, like you're saying, oh, absolutely so let's and not a more.
Speaker 1:I will say my husband absolutely loves that I have more energy and willingness to do social activities though he said I, he yeah, he said he's like I was not ready for just the flip of the switch. So literally, you would much rather just go to a dive bar and hang out with our friends, or now I'm gonna be dragging that boy to line dances.
Speaker 2:Yes, but that's gonna go out of this comfort zone. So much.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I yeah he is not ready for the willingness there, but again, he also does like. He does. Like that I'm more confident and don't put myself down as much. But I feel like my confidence has hindered his self confidence. Now I feel he comments on his weight more than he ever has. Oh, interesting, I mean he's got a little more of a dad, but but he his BMI guaranteed. Not that BMI is whatever. But, he is a very. Yeah, he's healthy. Yeah, he's a healthy weight.
Speaker 2:Definitely Well and let's. This isn't necessarily to end on this note. We will actually do a separate podcast, or maybe multiple, about men and bariatrics and men and weight we're gonna have some. Yeah, because I think that this is super under discussed the fact that men also have body and self-esteem issues that are really tied around weight and the same things that women go through to. We just don't really see them very often in our offices. We don't really talk about it the same way, but I hope to create a space for people to talk about that too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. Maybe my husband will open up a little bit more of like what I think he's asked so many questions while I've been on this.
Speaker 2:Look, he just listened today for the first time to the podcast and he got another trucker Well he hold on, hold on, hold on, no more. And I'm not bashing For the first second.
Speaker 1:This guy listen okay, and he's asking me why is there only two? Oh, my goodness look at that.
Speaker 2:You have the thirst on your hands. I love it. No, but he listened. He was like I learned this and this and this. I didn't know this and that, and how cool is that? How?
Speaker 1:cool. Were you listening when I was teaching?
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm not Well okay, look he's. He's done a lot of yeah, and adults take multiple times to hear something before it becomes absorbed. We're all like that.
Speaker 1:I mean he's, he is so supportive. Because how many Husband? Okay, he is skeptical about all the things, right, but how many Husbands are like, oh, you're spending your time, your day off like?
Speaker 2:Working on a podcast.
Speaker 1:Where's the benefit of what you doing with your life?
Speaker 2:Also, I feel a little the same way too, but no, but I think it's really Cool of you to talk about some of the difficult things, because it isn't just all roses. It isn't just all like oh, my self-confidence is amazing and everything's perfect and I'm healed. That's not how it goes. Yeah, and other people are gonna go on this journey with you and they need to understand it's gonna be ups and downs.
Speaker 1:There are people out there looking for this information of wanting to know, to know what to prepare for. Yeah, because, honestly, if I knew this was such a mental, yeah, honestly, I feel like most of this journey is a mental journey, like I would have dug even deeper with the RIT. Honestly, yeah, I've done a lot of self-help and so, but, yes, Well, Tammy, thanks for going on a journey with us today.
Speaker 2:And mental health and Self-confidence. I hope you guys all listen to our podcast and subscribe and listen to the next one. Find us on a lot of different platforms Instagram.
Speaker 1:Instagram. We're getting there. We're getting there.
Speaker 2:If you have any ideas, if you have any thoughts, we would love to hear them. But I hope you are safe and happy out there. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 1:See you next time. Bye, bye.